CNN posted a story about how names can influence one's life. As both a writer and someone with a semi-uncommon name, this article intrigued me.
One unusual name that made it into the SSA's 1,000 most popular names recently is Nevaeh, which is "heaven" spelled backward.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Readers, I am heretofore issuing a divine mandate that thou shalt slap any parent who inflicts this name upon a child.
The Social Security Administration announced this month that Isabella reigns as the top baby girl's name in America...Parents can be influenced by Hollywood, said Michael J. Astrue, SSA commissioner. He thinks the name Isabella reached the top spot because of the hit "Twilight"
Dammit. Okay, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Astrue also speculated the name Lindsay fell from No. 381 in 2008 to No. 524 in 2009 because of actress Lindsay Lohan's legal woes.
As much as I fucking hate the word "sheeple" (and the brand of political tard which uses that word) it seems woefully accurate here.
When Angelina Jolie named her children Shiloh and Maddox, naming experts predicted those names would become popular in coming years. Maddox has already seen steady gains in the past five years, climbing to No. 180
Oh c'mon, really? You're going to saddle your spawn with the same name as one of the worst internet curmudgeons in the history of the tubes? Seriously. Plus, name one Angelina Jolie movie besides Hackers that's good. You can't.
"But Wade," you say, a pleading look in your eyes, "Assuredly not all of America can possibly be this stupid."
You are right, sir and/or madam. Some of it is stupider.
...children with "black-sounding" names such as Lakisha and Jamal are 50 percent less likely to receive a call back for a job interview compared to "white-sounding" names such as Emily or Greg.
DURP! As much as this makes me lose faith in my fellow Americans, it at least gives me more ammo for when Libertarians claim that affirmative action is unnecessary, and if they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps then blah blah blah vomit.
Oh, and maybe you've heard of this second helping of DURP! Yay, likely another urban legend, something cut from the same classy mold as the Obama witch doctor photos.
The article does go into some actually interesting bits of potential facts (kids with C or D names do worse in school than kids with A or B names) but let me break this down for you, in case you're trying to figure out how to not doom your progeny with your denominational shenanigans:
If you name your kid, he or she will get made fun of by other children.
Trust me.
It doesn't matter how stupid the taunt is ("Ooooh, Wade in the water!" "Wade the duck!" "Wade, you're a stupid piece of shit!") it'll still fuel the animosities of their primary school years. So give them whatever idiotic name celebrities or vapid literature has made popular this year, and then invest in karate lessons, so that way they can at least beat the crap out of the other kids.
Man, if those kids could see me now. I'd show them who's Wade in the water. Got my own freakin' blog. Well, shared blog. And it even has a .blogspot at the end, so you know it's for real.
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